Some Terrifying News

Bsd

I heard some terrifying news that indicated there is a terrorist group in Crown Heights. I think we need to form an anti-terrorist group that will terrorize the terrorists. My dearly beloved suggested we subscribe the terrorists to dirty websites.

What say you?

Shall we stand up and fight?

Whirlwind

Bsd

It's snow-globe snowing out, and I have magically cleaned clothes.

I studied for my test tomorrow, and my chosson has two apartments we're going to check out.

I am in a whirlwind, but I am taming it.

Angry roommates, broken toilets, and children who won't go to sleep at naptime- they cannot disturb my delicate control.

I am told this is a precious time.

I vow to appreciate that.

To treasure every time Yisroel/Jonathan does something that makes me realize how amazing he is and how lucky I am.

To learn something about Hilchos Kashrus before I get a bunch of brand-new dishes.

To stay up late doing nothing.

To let the snow fall in my hair.

To try to create new connections between people I care about.

To pass my second semester of school.

Let it snow - I will appreciate its crazy beauty.

Nervous

Bsd
I'm at school, an hour earlier than I need to be, and yet somehow not ready.
I'm supposed to be giving two full-body massages to real clients, and I don't have my uniform shirt. I'm supposed to get one from my friend who is practicing right before me, but I just realized we're cutting the time for the transfer super, super, super close. So I'm kind of freaking out. Bowel-shaking, heart-pounding, sweat-inducing freaking out. And I can't even worry about giving the massage because I'm so worried about not being dressed right!!!!!!!!!
WHY DO I ALWAYS LEAVE THINGS TO THE LAST MINUTE???????????????????????

My Troubled Relationship... with School

Bsd
Haha. Sorry for the drama of the title. I'm in a superbly weird mood. Have been for a few days, but it is peaking now.
I hate that school is like this for me right now. I used to love it. Get up excited (well, maybe not. But usually I'd get excited at some point). Now I had to bribe myself with a book in order to make myself attend today. I guessed almost every answer on the test we took. It didn't help that I wasn't present at last week's class.
And it's all of it. On Sunday, I am expected to perform TWO MASSAGES ON REAL PEOPLE. Not fellow students, who will get it if you have to stop halfway through and look at your notes.
I have to buy uniforms, and folders, and stuff. I have to pay tuition. My phone fell in the sink last night and is totally dead. This is after surviving a fall into chicken soup.
WHY G-D??
I'm ranting and raving and whining.
But I'm supposed to be deliriously happy, and I am - when I space out on the subway, imagining the picture of me in my wedding dress and Converse.
But all this school and messy room and money stuff is SERIOUSLY bringing me down.
Like way, way, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down.
Like I'm beyond bummed and into hyper-depression, where I get sarcastic and talk to myself - LOUDLY.
So right now I hate school. Hate work. Hate everything because I DO NOT HAVE A HANDLE ON IT.

But Um

Bsd

After watching How I Met Your Mother, wherein a drinking game was played in which a shot was taken every time a certain character said, "But um -", not five minutes after I walked into class, my teacher said, "But Um -".

Unfortunately, there was no alcohol in the room.

It's a shame, as I could really use a L'chaim right now.

I'm looking in my crystal ball.... and I think I see one coming....

Bsd

I love my friends, and I am grateful for all of them.

But I am sick of the friends that I have that take and do not give.

That I listen to for hours while they process and rant and whine and cry, but who interrupt me just as I begin to talk about something I am having a hard time with.

I love my friends, but I hate having friends who have such a hard time dealing with their own issues they have no energy to help me deal with mine.

Who love me when I'm caring and wise and funny, but not when I need to complain about being miserably sick.

Who get angry at me, and then don't let me fix it.

The friends who don't let me get angry at them.

I just don't want to deal with it anymore.

I will, because I love my friends, all of them.

But I am so sick of it.

Some More Truth

Bsd

Remember how I promised to be honest?

To seek the truth?

Well, here's some.

Truth:

I often doubt that Moshiach is coming.

And not when you'd think I would.

Not when terrible, tragic things happen, or when I see evidence of our physcial world falling apart, no, those are the times when I have more faith that Moshaich is coming. That Hashem has some serious, long-term plans for us.

I doubt that Moshiach is coming on Wednesday evenings, when I'm wandering from the kitchen to my bedroom in my pajamas, alternatively looking for food and another good TV show to watch.

That's when I look at myself, at the realm? I'm living in, at its cozy little pattern of work and rest, of sleep and death, of life and all its crazy shit.

Where is Moshiach in all of this?

Where is that feeling that we are right on the verge of something incrediible?

That we are standing on the cliff's edge, and on the other side of the chasm, lies Glory?

I don't know what it was like when the Rebbe was still physically with us. I was about to be six in 1994, and the only memory I have of the Rebbe is Gimmel Tammuz.

But I imagine that energy pulsed through the streets of Crown Heights. I imagine that every time you did something right, you felt prouder, and every time you did something wrong, you felt guiltier.

I picture the t-shirts, the banners, the slogans not being the sole province of yellow-crazed foreigners, but of every Lubavticher.

And although I dont agree with the methods of those who campaign wih the cry of "Yechi" on their lips, I do envy their passion.

They believe that Moshiach is here, that he is with us still.

I don't want to make plans for the future.

I don't know how to balance planning even six months from now with the belief - firm, unwavering belief, belief so strong it makes you LIVE RIGHT NOW as your belief has been actualized - with thinking about saving up for a massage table, or making over my mother's wedding dress.

I believe Moshiach is coming.

I believe it because the Rebbe said so, and the Rebbe said so because Hashem said so.

And I believe in G-d.

My belief in G-d is illogical, and founded on a whole lot of emotion and a good dollop of neccessity, and so is my belief in the Geulah.

I know it is, and I choose to believe anyway, because - ha! - I BELIEVE IT IS RIGHT.

Even though I often doubt.